#Talking Relationships
#Nagging Thoughts
It is possible that in Relationships we call giving the “benefit of the doubt” forgiveness. I think it’s rare that we forgive the other for various reasons, maybe because of our personal experiences and learning from our environment or self preservation.
Think about it….
We keep a tab on the wrongs done even if we said “I forgive you”. We keep count of how many times he has cheated , how many times he lied, we monitor his behavior and look into his phone for further signs of infidelity( sometimes we call it proof of transparency but deep down its about not trusting anymore), we put restrictions on his life etc
Next time if it ever happens again that he does any wrong we ask “how many times should I do this with you, how long should I tolerate this?”
This “how many times” says you never really forgave him, there was never “lets get over this and start over on a clean slate”. It was rather “okay let’s see how it goes from here.” Benefit of the doubt.
I am gonna give a religious example;
God forgives. He doesn’t count back to us the gazillion sins we have done if we fall out, no matter how many times.Can you imagine if he ever did? It’s painful right? you had tried to change but failed, now you are shown how you even failed previously. If he did that everytime most of us would have abandoned our faith already because no one wants to be shown “their lifetime filth” everytime they are down and seek mercy. It’s naturally demotivating.
Align this to a relationship, when you say you forgive him you are saying “okay fine that is a closed chapter- locked out, the key thrown out.I am not going to bring it up again. We are starting over on a clean slate.”
Now , look at this very common thing that happens : If he’s cheats again we are going back to the dirty memory box and show him he is adding unto it, he previously cheated with Mpho, Neo, Masego & whoever else,now he brings in Divine. We don’t regard Divine as a different story or problem, it is “ you are doing it again” that is one of the first words we utter. Doubt validated.
And what happens thereafter? He starts being defensive because it’s embarrassing, it’s painful, it’s shameful to be shown how many times a failure you are, right? ….
You both get no chance to explore the root of the problem cause you are charged up. Attack & Defense.
Any problem is addressed in a verbal boxing ring.
There is no discussion of issues in that time:
# He won’t get a chance to tell you “I am not satisfied in the bedroom, I am sexually frustrated” that rather comes out to you as an insult, a feebly defense while in all essence it’s a problem overlooked.
# He won’t tell you that you don’t give him the same attention anymore you are busy with work and the kids because it will be called being ungrateful. You both overlook this issue that has bitten a chunk out of your relationship.
# he won’t tell you the spark is gone because that becomes an insult, we think of it as ‘I don’t love you anymore’. You both lose a chance to recultivate your relationship. The spark that can be re-lit is left dead.
# he won’t tell you “your demands are making him uncomfortable ” because that is called shifting the blame and being weak
Basically because there was never forgiveness therefore there is no platform for a meaningful new conversation, you have been indirectly doubting him all along, your doubt is highlighted.
Giving the benefit of the doubt alone opens us up to re-living the painful memories, and that is detrimental to one’s psychological well-being. We all have breaking points. We get tired.That’s why we end most relationships.
I believe if we did genuinely forgave each other even breakups wouldnt be as deeply devastating because we would have satisfactory conversations of why things won’t work out or didnt work out.
Forgiveness is special work. It requires open mindedness , it requires the ability to ‘forget’ or not carry forth the pain of the past into present situations . It requires you to easily access peace within yourself. Forgiveness says I will leave you in peace with my heart intact or I will stay and still see the best in you.
And this applies vice versa too guys😊
*Of course we ve got frank cut out ‘run’ kinda of situations,just run if your being is invaded.
*Mpho,Neo, Masego & Divine are not in reference to anyone known, alive or dead.
Okay. Enough of my thinking for now .
…Much love. ❤️😊.
Life Ls 